Saturday, September 1, 2012
Nothing
I'm so full of it. Nothing. I'm numb. My boyfriend hasn't spoken to me for weeks. I'm fat. I just don't know. Starving sounds hard but I'm trying to eat some cereal and it is even harder. Food in my mouth feels awful. Like something dirty and vulgar. But I'm so hungry. But I'm so fat. I don't know what to do. I don't.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
What freak LIKES to purge?
Me?
I purged for the first time in months.(A whole pizza....) And I feel amazing. My stomach hurts and my ribs hurt. Breathing hurts. I have red speckles all over my face from broken blood vessels. But it was awesome. I was scared, I remember how hard it was to start months ago. I didn't want that fear and how long and difficult it was. But...it wasn't. It was like riding a bike. It all just fell out, like my body remembered that it was supposed to reject food like a bill in a vending machine, it was just waiting for me to give the signal. The next morning, my throat hurts, chest hurts, and my stomach kills. I forget how hard it is on the abs. But....stomach kills. I don't even want to eat with a tummy ache, making the rest of my days easier.
Does anyone else get that? After a big middle of the night purge you just feel...satisfied? Don't need to eat the next day?
I purged for the first time in months.
Does anyone else get that? After a big middle of the night purge you just feel...satisfied? Don't need to eat the next day?
Friday, July 20, 2012
Starting over- Going to need help. Tips?
I'm at 125.2. Because I'm fat. Because I let go for a few months and smoke too much weed. But I'm back. And I'm serious. I'm going to start updating my weekly calendar weigh ins. Every Friday morning. Picture diary will come back. I'm going to need help restricting again. Maybe get a red bracelet to remind me what I'm doing and who I am.
Be cause this is me now. I thought I was done after my little run. I left because I didn't care anymore and felt like a poser wannarexic that wasted your time.
But I'm not. I let it loose and now nothing can get it back inside me. Even if I think I'm okay for months, I'm not. The thoughts never left. And I loved the control I had. Nothing could stop me. People were jealous of my dedication. I could diet, I could work out for hours, and I was losing weight. They were not. But they're not like us. They aren't strong like us. And I'm going to give them something to really envy.
It'll be hard, but I'm trying to ease into restricting. But maybe hitting hard will shock me into sudden loss. That'd be awesome.
A fourth of an apple for brek so far, don't know about the rest of the day.
Any tips for getting me back to restricting? How often to eat to keep up my metabolism? I used to know these things...
Be cause this is me now. I thought I was done after my little run. I left because I didn't care anymore and felt like a poser wannarexic that wasted your time.
But I'm not. I let it loose and now nothing can get it back inside me. Even if I think I'm okay for months, I'm not. The thoughts never left. And I loved the control I had. Nothing could stop me. People were jealous of my dedication. I could diet, I could work out for hours, and I was losing weight. They were not. But they're not like us. They aren't strong like us. And I'm going to give them something to really envy.
It'll be hard, but I'm trying to ease into restricting. But maybe hitting hard will shock me into sudden loss. That'd be awesome.
A fourth of an apple for brek so far, don't know about the rest of the day.
Any tips for getting me back to restricting? How often to eat to keep up my metabolism? I used to know these things...
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sick
In more than one way.
I have this cod/flu that is probably killing me. The worst part is I love it and I can purge whenever I feel like without hiding because it will just be pegged as me having this virus.
As I was sitting there, legs hugging the toilet full of the cereal I had for breakfast, my hand covered in saliva, eyes watering, throat burning and twitching, I was thinking, "Damn, I'm sick." Not because I have a virus, not even because I am using that to purge, and not even because I AM purging, but because at the same time I was also thinking,
"Damn...I missed this."
I have this cod/flu that is probably killing me. The worst part is I love it and I can purge whenever I feel like without hiding because it will just be pegged as me having this virus.
As I was sitting there, legs hugging the toilet full of the cereal I had for breakfast, my hand covered in saliva, eyes watering, throat burning and twitching, I was thinking, "Damn, I'm sick." Not because I have a virus, not even because I am using that to purge, and not even because I AM purging, but because at the same time I was also thinking,
"Damn...I missed this."
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I'm Back
I fell off for a while there, I didn't care. But after watching Girl With The Dragon Tattoo I am back on. Rooney Mara. Five foot three and non existent. I can do it too. I'm back.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Condition My Mind?
Can I condition my own mind? Like a Pavlovian type of conditioning? Have cravings? Drink tea. Hungry? Drink tea. Want cookies? Drink tea. Stomach growling? Drink tea. Lost a pound? Drink tea.
Is it possible to replace my cravings and hunger, via conditioning, with green tea? So when I crave or get hunger, I want tea? Make tea a reward? I know you can knowingly condition yourself, making it a little mind fuck-y, but I really want to do it.
Really.
Is it possible to replace my cravings and hunger, via conditioning, with green tea? So when I crave or get hunger, I want tea? Make tea a reward? I know you can knowingly condition yourself, making it a little mind fuck-y, but I really want to do it.
Really.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Preschool
I help teach a preschool. From 10:35am-12:20pm...We do "project" work on a certain topic which works on various advanced skills since these kids are all teachers' kids. Our Project work right now is restaurants. So I have to sit there and teach/hear/learn about pizzarias, bakeries, and icecream. We went to Tutti Frutti to see how they make it and of course....eat. ALL ABOUT FOOD RIGHT AROUND LUNCH TIME!!! It kills me, it really does. Then I have my lunch break right after that....
Fuck me.
Fuck me.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Help?
Super beautiful mega thinspo best friend is coming up from Arizona (Moved 2 years ago, but we stay in touch and are super close). Just in time to see her perfect thin little size 1 body next to my gargantuan form. I won't be able to hear her talk over the sound of my thighs scraping together.
May 28th she will be here...
What do you think I can lose by then?
Diet now will be eat nothing until I am honestly hungry (I'll drink something first to make sure I'm not just confusing hunger for thirst.) and then super restrict. But stay healthy. And hey, if I want a little something sweet, I won't deprive, but for sure talk to my texting buddy (love you) to make sure I don't over do it. Deprivation leads to binge. I won't treat it like ana or a diet. Just fact. It HAS to be done so I will do it. No fuss. Just do. As for exercise I am thinking 20 minute circuits of cardio/toning whenever I can fit it in. Alternating simple things like jumping jacks and running in place with crunches and squats and such just to keep my heart rate up and tone. This will probably work better than going to the gym for 2 hours every few days. Keep my metabolism up and hopefully burn fat more efficiently.
So...May 28th...how much can I lose, realistically?
May 28th she will be here...
What do you think I can lose by then?
Diet now will be eat nothing until I am honestly hungry (I'll drink something first to make sure I'm not just confusing hunger for thirst.) and then super restrict. But stay healthy. And hey, if I want a little something sweet, I won't deprive, but for sure talk to my texting buddy (love you) to make sure I don't over do it. Deprivation leads to binge. I won't treat it like ana or a diet. Just fact. It HAS to be done so I will do it. No fuss. Just do. As for exercise I am thinking 20 minute circuits of cardio/toning whenever I can fit it in. Alternating simple things like jumping jacks and running in place with crunches and squats and such just to keep my heart rate up and tone. This will probably work better than going to the gym for 2 hours every few days. Keep my metabolism up and hopefully burn fat more efficiently.
So...May 28th...how much can I lose, realistically?
How Do You Fast? Boyfriend = Fat
When I look at food, I don't see food anymore. I see numbers.
I tried fasting today after my first BP in a couple weeks. Does anyone else have shitty fasting results? I didn't eat all day and my weight didn't budge. Not even .1 of a pound. I ended up getting sick, probably an electrolyte imbalance from throwing up then not eating anything. I guess I just can't fast. It doesn't work for me. Does anyone else get zero results from fasting?
...my boyfriend is making me fat. I feel comfortable and beautiful around him so I don't feel I need to restrict and exercise like crazy to be MY version of perfect for him. He makes me feel beautiful just as I am. What a jerk. How DARE he make me fat. We went to Culver's and I got a root beer float. He got a bacon cheese burger, float, and fries AND cheese curds. He's 6'2" (188 cm) and 140 lbs (63.5 kg). His BMI is 18.0. He is underweight. He sat there and got me to eat his fries and cheese curds. With ketchup and mayo (fucking frysauce) and ranch. Full fat ranch. I TOOK his burger and ate some of it. Bacon cheese burger. He laughed at me. I told him that now I feel fat. He got all serious and looked me dead in the eye and said "Well I'm glad I can get you to eat at least some of the time. I'm glad to see you eat. You need to eat." And I'm like...YOU SERIOUS?! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO EAT!!! YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND I AM A 21.8 BMI WALRUS WHALE MOOSE!! AND YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!! Ughh....angry. But...I feel bad because he's so sweet to me.
And well...TMI moment but I've always dealt with self image issues. I used to cut, drink, do drugs, and have a lot of casual sex. A LOT. That's just how I dealt with things. Sex means I'm pretty, right? (Or easy. Whatever) But I always said it means I'm pretty. I was always aggressive, assertive, the dominate one. Yet very obedient. Sexually. But with this boy...when we get sexual (haven't had sex, like intercourse yet, and yeah..pretty early in our relationship been a week and a half but in my defense we've been friends for six years and sorta...skipped the dating, courting, get-to-know-you phase) it's...different. Afterwards like after he makes me...climax...I get super...shy? Like...I blush and I just HAVE to cover my face because he's smiling at me and telling me how cute I am when I...erm...yeah and I get all girly and awkward and shy... I think I really like this kid...
That and he's totally thinspo.. so tall and thin. I can see his hip bones through his clothes and his legs are so long and lean, no chance of them EVER touching. I grab his stomach and there is NOTHING. I can barely grab skin, it's pulled so tight and smooth over his chest and stomach, his abdominal muscles show through it perfectly without being ripped or bulky. It's smooth and toned and thin. All of him is smooth and toned and slim and thin. He eats every two days. Works out a lot. Ugh....so thinspo. How can someone so thin and beautiful and perfect want to be with a thick, fat, pudgy, round, flabby, troll like me? I'd hate to think I'm some sort of charity project...
I tried fasting today after my first BP in a couple weeks. Does anyone else have shitty fasting results? I didn't eat all day and my weight didn't budge. Not even .1 of a pound. I ended up getting sick, probably an electrolyte imbalance from throwing up then not eating anything. I guess I just can't fast. It doesn't work for me. Does anyone else get zero results from fasting?
...my boyfriend is making me fat. I feel comfortable and beautiful around him so I don't feel I need to restrict and exercise like crazy to be MY version of perfect for him. He makes me feel beautiful just as I am. What a jerk. How DARE he make me fat. We went to Culver's and I got a root beer float. He got a bacon cheese burger, float, and fries AND cheese curds. He's 6'2" (188 cm) and 140 lbs (63.5 kg). His BMI is 18.0. He is underweight. He sat there and got me to eat his fries and cheese curds. With ketchup and mayo (fucking frysauce) and ranch. Full fat ranch. I TOOK his burger and ate some of it. Bacon cheese burger. He laughed at me. I told him that now I feel fat. He got all serious and looked me dead in the eye and said "Well I'm glad I can get you to eat at least some of the time. I'm glad to see you eat. You need to eat." And I'm like...YOU SERIOUS?! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO EAT!!! YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND I AM A 21.8 BMI WALRUS WHALE MOOSE!! AND YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!! Ughh....angry. But...I feel bad because he's so sweet to me.
And well...TMI moment but I've always dealt with self image issues. I used to cut, drink, do drugs, and have a lot of casual sex. A LOT. That's just how I dealt with things. Sex means I'm pretty, right? (Or easy. Whatever) But I always said it means I'm pretty. I was always aggressive, assertive, the dominate one. Yet very obedient. Sexually. But with this boy...when we get sexual (haven't had sex, like intercourse yet, and yeah..pretty early in our relationship been a week and a half but in my defense we've been friends for six years and sorta...skipped the dating, courting, get-to-know-you phase) it's...different. Afterwards like after he makes me...climax...I get super...shy? Like...I blush and I just HAVE to cover my face because he's smiling at me and telling me how cute I am when I...erm...yeah and I get all girly and awkward and shy... I think I really like this kid...
That and he's totally thinspo.. so tall and thin. I can see his hip bones through his clothes and his legs are so long and lean, no chance of them EVER touching. I grab his stomach and there is NOTHING. I can barely grab skin, it's pulled so tight and smooth over his chest and stomach, his abdominal muscles show through it perfectly without being ripped or bulky. It's smooth and toned and thin. All of him is smooth and toned and slim and thin. He eats every two days. Works out a lot. Ugh....so thinspo. How can someone so thin and beautiful and perfect want to be with a thick, fat, pudgy, round, flabby, troll like me? I'd hate to think I'm some sort of charity project...
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
"Anorexic Bitch" and Boyfriends
There is this guy at my work and he and I are always being mean to each other for shits and giggles. I was telling him that I hoped his new girlfriend wasn't like the other. She was a chunky little thing. Stout. And he got all mad for real and defensive.
"Hey, she wasn't fat, okay?!" I just laughed at him and said okay.
And what does he say to me?
"Oh yeah well you're not pretty. You're ugly. I am legitimately not attracted to you. Never have been. You're too skinny, you anorexic bitch."
Is it sad that him saying that made me smile? I felt so fucking good.
On another note....long time best friend of mine asked me out. I've had a huge crush on him for three years. I did a little dance. I know I shouldn't but...I feel like this is reinforcement of my ED. Like..once I got serious and embraced it instead of pushing it away and being miserable silently...once I decided to DO something...here comes the guy I've wanted for years. Wanting to be my boyfriend. More importantly, wanting ME as his girlfriend. I have terrible anxiety with dating and my longest relationship has been...a full day. Twenty-four hours. It's been over twelve and I'm not hyperventilating or crying or screaming and pulling out my hair. This has never happened before. I don't want to think it's the ED but...it's the common denominator.
Also...I had to tighten my work belt an extra notch, and this excitement of neat, new, thinspiration boyfriend without the awkward dating part has made my intake awesome today.
238.5 cals.
118.8 lbs
Today is a good day.
"Hey, she wasn't fat, okay?!" I just laughed at him and said okay.
And what does he say to me?
"Oh yeah well you're not pretty. You're ugly. I am legitimately not attracted to you. Never have been. You're too skinny, you anorexic bitch."
Is it sad that him saying that made me smile? I felt so fucking good.
On another note....long time best friend of mine asked me out. I've had a huge crush on him for three years. I did a little dance. I know I shouldn't but...I feel like this is reinforcement of my ED. Like..once I got serious and embraced it instead of pushing it away and being miserable silently...once I decided to DO something...here comes the guy I've wanted for years. Wanting to be my boyfriend. More importantly, wanting ME as his girlfriend. I have terrible anxiety with dating and my longest relationship has been...a full day. Twenty-four hours. It's been over twelve and I'm not hyperventilating or crying or screaming and pulling out my hair. This has never happened before. I don't want to think it's the ED but...it's the common denominator.
Also...I had to tighten my work belt an extra notch, and this excitement of neat, new, thinspiration boyfriend without the awkward dating part has made my intake awesome today.
238.5 cals.
118.8 lbs
Today is a good day.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Okay I'm planning entirely to make sure I DO NOT over eat tomorrow. I fucked up today...ugh.
Plan for tomorrow that I CANNOT deviate from (Unless it's less):
Brekkie:
¼ cup of plain oatmeal with cinnamon (75 cal)
1 cup of green tea
Total = 75 cal
Lunch:
1 hard boiled egg (77 cal)
1 applesauce (50 cal)
Total = 127 cal
Dinner:
Unknown (whatever Ma makes) - 200-300 cal at most
DO NOT DEVIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plan for tomorrow that I CANNOT deviate from (Unless it's less):
Brekkie:
¼ cup of plain oatmeal with cinnamon (75 cal)
1 cup of green tea
Total = 75 cal
Lunch:
1 hard boiled egg (77 cal)
1 applesauce (50 cal)
Total = 127 cal
Dinner:
Unknown (whatever Ma makes) - 200-300 cal at most
DO NOT DEVIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feel fat when I lose and thin when I gain?
Why is it that whenever I feel really fat and don't want to step on the scale, I dropped? Am I bloated so I just feel fat, but actually am not? Yesterday I was at 122 and felt small. Then I B/P'd and today I feel fat, but I'm 120.4?
What?
Restrict today, make sure it's not a fluke.
What?
Restrict today, make sure it's not a fluke.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
FATTY FAT FATTY aka Me (Pictures)
 |
| Me |
 |
| My hair |
 |
| And my makeup-less face |
See... I'd like to think I'm not ugly per se...even though that upper left picture is pretty old, the rest from maybe a month ago...I mean, I can be cute when I want to...it's just the fact that I'm a massive disgusting whale. Humiliation is really one of the best motivators so...I'll probably keep a picture log too...so here it goes...it's okay to look away or vomit or something if you have too. But...me at my near worst, just before I started this blog. At around...125 lbs (56.7 kg) I'm guessing...
^^^^^^ WTF!!!! I'm so gross. I want to die. Goddamn my boobs are getting big...ughhhhh. Fatty fat fatty!!! I'm wearing an inner-tube for God's sake!!! MOOOO YOU FAT COW BITCH!!!!!!!!!
Okay....out of my system now. No not really but...ugh. This will motivate me. It has to...my face isn't that bad...well my cheeks are fat but I mean...like...gfdjklghdfkjghdfjskl WHY AM I SO FAT?!
Okay I'm done. I literally can't be here anymore.
I disgust me.
But You're Not Anorexic
Been away for a while. Collecting some thoughts. Got my period on Saturday/Sunday. But I was somehow down to 120.6 so it hasn't bloated me up all gross :] I went to this body thing at my gym yesterday. It was a class that incorporated yoga, tai chi, and Pilates together. Holy balls....what a fucking work out. The ab portion was CRAZY and I think I died a little...But that night my mother made me feel like a total cow. After that hour long intense work out we had dinner. Broiled chicken and pesto pasta salad. Not TOO bad, considering I was at 200 cal for the day until then. But I was reading some thinspo and Mom asked what I was reading. It was a diary of an anorexic. She asked why I was reading that. I told her it was for my Psych class and made a joke about reading a book on anorexia while I was eating. She nods and laughs/scoffs and says, "Well obviously you're not anoreixic..."
....
What? What are you trying to say, Mom? I gave her a "look" and she just shrugs and points to my plate with her fork. "Well it'd be mighty hard to be anorexic when you're eating that much dinner."
...
I know she was meaning it in a playful way, but...really? FUCKING REALLY?! I then proceeded to feel like a fat, disgusting whale for the rest of the night. Today I was doing very well, took the ACTs, was at 170 cal by 3pm and then I went to Barnes & Noble to work on a school project with this acquaintance girl I was partnered with. I had a light mocha frappuccino with no whipped cream. 110 cals. Then for whatever reason I also had a sourdough asiago pretzel, a spinach and feta stuffed pretzel, AND a whole bag of kettle chips. 300cals just for the chips. I don't know about the pretzels. Don't want to. I got home and was okay. I just made a mistake. I'll get over it, right? WRONG! I picked up my book, read some blogs and just stood up and went to my mom's bathroom and tried to puke. I got most of the spinach and feta pretzel up but that's about it. Tastes SO awful coming back up. Awful. The worst part was how...natural it was. I just got up, purged for ten minutes, rinsed my mouth got some gum and sat back down and kept reading. There was almost zero emotion behind it. To think that just last week I couldn't purge is scary....and now it's nothing to me. Now I almost...like it. Which I hate. I don't know what to feel....
It's 6:28pm now. No more food for tonight. Maybe some green tea, but definitely not after 8pm.
Ugh...I'm gross
....
What? What are you trying to say, Mom? I gave her a "look" and she just shrugs and points to my plate with her fork. "Well it'd be mighty hard to be anorexic when you're eating that much dinner."
...
I know she was meaning it in a playful way, but...really? FUCKING REALLY?! I then proceeded to feel like a fat, disgusting whale for the rest of the night. Today I was doing very well, took the ACTs, was at 170 cal by 3pm and then I went to Barnes & Noble to work on a school project with this acquaintance girl I was partnered with. I had a light mocha frappuccino with no whipped cream. 110 cals. Then for whatever reason I also had a sourdough asiago pretzel, a spinach and feta stuffed pretzel, AND a whole bag of kettle chips. 300cals just for the chips. I don't know about the pretzels. Don't want to. I got home and was okay. I just made a mistake. I'll get over it, right? WRONG! I picked up my book, read some blogs and just stood up and went to my mom's bathroom and tried to puke. I got most of the spinach and feta pretzel up but that's about it. Tastes SO awful coming back up. Awful. The worst part was how...natural it was. I just got up, purged for ten minutes, rinsed my mouth got some gum and sat back down and kept reading. There was almost zero emotion behind it. To think that just last week I couldn't purge is scary....and now it's nothing to me. Now I almost...like it. Which I hate. I don't know what to feel....
It's 6:28pm now. No more food for tonight. Maybe some green tea, but definitely not after 8pm.
Ugh...I'm gross
Saturday, April 21, 2012
New Weigh In Day?
Last night was awful.
But luckily I purged most, if not all, of it up. Fuck me for eating hard to purge food. But luckily my little tum-tum feels tired and like shit after all that hard purging last night so eating is not something that is going to happen. Not soon anyways....
So I've noticed that weekends tend to be a bit harder, should I change my weigh in days to Friday or more likely Saturday morning? That way if the weekend goes sour I don't have to pay for it on Monday and I get a chance to correct any weekend mishaps over the week? I'm thinking about it.
Ugh..fuck purging. My stomach feels like shiiiiiit.
But the scale says 121.6 so...who cares?
Off to do crunches while I watch tv. Shoot me some mail, we'll talk.
<3
But luckily I purged most, if not all, of it up. Fuck me for eating hard to purge food. But luckily my little tum-tum feels tired and like shit after all that hard purging last night so eating is not something that is going to happen. Not soon anyways....
So I've noticed that weekends tend to be a bit harder, should I change my weigh in days to Friday or more likely Saturday morning? That way if the weekend goes sour I don't have to pay for it on Monday and I get a chance to correct any weekend mishaps over the week? I'm thinking about it.
Ugh..fuck purging. My stomach feels like shiiiiiit.
But the scale says 121.6 so...who cares?
Off to do crunches while I watch tv. Shoot me some mail, we'll talk.
<3
Friday, April 20, 2012
PUT IT DOWN
STOP FEEDING YOUR FAT FUCKING FACE!!!!!!! PUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!
Pepperonis, waffles dripping in butter, the rice cakes, the salsa. the pizza rolls, the pasta, the cereal, the fruit snacks, the apple sauce, the juice.
find a nice little home in my belly and never come up.
i want to die.
Pepperonis, waffles dripping in butter, the rice cakes, the salsa. the pizza rolls, the pasta, the cereal, the fruit snacks, the apple sauce, the juice.
find a nice little home in my belly and never come up.
i want to die.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Decent
Well today has been alright. Half a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon for brek (real oatmeal, not that prepackaged shit), ¾ cup of rice cereal, and a cup of chicken noodle soup just now. A detailed cal count will come later tonight. Now I'm off to exercise and read Wintergirls while I do!
-Macca
-Macca
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Need Motivation
Ughhh. I'm feeling weak. Food is calling me. On the TV...they're talking about this teenage boy that eats over 5000 calories a day!!!!!!!!! So much food....now they're cooking dinner....I can practically smell it. But I can't change the channel. It's like a train wreck. I can't look away.
HGFDJSGLKJKL!!! Can I still eat negative cals?
Edit:
I failed...but not miserably.
1½ rice cakes with salsa- <90 cal
around 10 honeydew melon balls (neg cal)
Now my mom is making some sort of rice/salmon/egg/orange pepper/asparagus stir fry thing.
She's using peanut oil (Gross...like 130 cal A SERVING) and she's using whole eggs (she could at least have used egg whites...) But my intake was low today...and most of the things in it are decent (veggies, salmon, rice). I'll try and limit since I had some neg cal fruits first so i wouldn't be too hungry and over do it. I still need to work my way to fasting and I plan to hit the gym at least twice a week. But for now...it'll do. I'll try not to go too crazy with the rice. Mom's dishing it for me though....probably a lot. (She's one of those naturally skinny people. She has a smaller pant size than me.) Well....wish me luck.
Feel fee to email me at anytime <3
mccartney.jones7@gmail.com
<3
HGFDJSGLKJKL!!! Can I still eat negative cals?
Edit:
I failed...but not miserably.
1½ rice cakes with salsa- <90 cal
around 10 honeydew melon balls (neg cal)
Now my mom is making some sort of rice/salmon/egg/orange pepper/asparagus stir fry thing.
She's using peanut oil (Gross...like 130 cal A SERVING) and she's using whole eggs (she could at least have used egg whites...) But my intake was low today...and most of the things in it are decent (veggies, salmon, rice). I'll try and limit since I had some neg cal fruits first so i wouldn't be too hungry and over do it. I still need to work my way to fasting and I plan to hit the gym at least twice a week. But for now...it'll do. I'll try not to go too crazy with the rice. Mom's dishing it for me though....probably a lot. (She's one of those naturally skinny people. She has a smaller pant size than me.) Well....wish me luck.
Feel fee to email me at anytime <3
mccartney.jones7@gmail.com
<3
Fasting Day and joining blogs
Okay, fast day today. Or at least an attempted one. After yesterday I need it, and I'll probably do some yoga today so that's good. I usually fail at fasting but I know I need to work into it so if it is a fail, it will be a < 200 cal fail, which i can deal with. Any tips and tricks to avoid hunger would be loved!
I'm also wanting to join the Ana/Mia Chronicles, an awesome, supportive blog. I sent my request by email a few days a go so crossing fingers I can join those lovely ladies and their battles, too.
So, I may update tonight, may not. But until later, bye lovelies. Stay beautiful.
Edit:
Even better! Did a little research on some yummy negative cal fruits and veggies. So it will be a negative cal day :D
Honeydew, here I come.
I'm also wanting to join the Ana/Mia Chronicles, an awesome, supportive blog. I sent my request by email a few days a go so crossing fingers I can join those lovely ladies and their battles, too.
So, I may update tonight, may not. But until later, bye lovelies. Stay beautiful.
Edit:
Even better! Did a little research on some yummy negative cal fruits and veggies. So it will be a negative cal day :D
Honeydew, here I come.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Binge...no purge
I was doing so well today. I was at 235 cal. And I got home and was going to eat half a sandwich. 196.7 cal. And call it good. But then I ate the other half. And pizza rolls, and half a mini pizza, and waffles CAKED in butter and more pizza rolls and a pudding cup.
I am so disgusting. Why did I eat mostly meat and bread for my binge?!?!? SO hard to get up! I tried to purge, I really did. All I got was a little bit of pudding, a couple of pizza rolls, and water. What's wrong with me? AND I drank coconut water to help get it up. EVEN MY WATER HAD CALORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow is a fast day, for sure. Nothing but zero calorie water. Any encouragement would be great, I need motivation so badly. And any tips on B/Ping well would be GREATLY appreciated.
Thanks,
The Fat Fucking Loser
I am so disgusting. Why did I eat mostly meat and bread for my binge?!?!? SO hard to get up! I tried to purge, I really did. All I got was a little bit of pudding, a couple of pizza rolls, and water. What's wrong with me? AND I drank coconut water to help get it up. EVEN MY WATER HAD CALORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow is a fast day, for sure. Nothing but zero calorie water. Any encouragement would be great, I need motivation so badly. And any tips on B/Ping well would be GREATLY appreciated.
Thanks,
The Fat Fucking Loser
Monday, April 16, 2012
Day's Report: 4/16/12
Breakfast:
-Special K Protein shake- 190 cal
Lunch:
-Two very small monster cookies- about 200 cal
(Fuck fuck! But they were made with oats so...fingers crossed for getting those goodies)
-Luck Charms cereal bar- 100 cal
(Not bad considering how AWESOME it was...)
Snack:
-Salmon onigiri (rice balls)- 175 cal
-Light string cheese- 50 cal
-Turkey, fat free creme cheese, salsa roll- 60 cal
(Sounded so weird but was awesome and SO satisfying. Just got some veggies for all kinds of combos!)
-Green tea with cinnamon
Exercise:
-168 cal
So my total thus far is a 607 net income...not bad but I'll probably be eating more tonight for dinner, maybe one of those roll things with veggies...But I will for sure stay under 900 cal or I will die. Or something else dramatic. It was really cold today though and I didn't wear a jacket and was out a lot so...fingers crossed it boosted my metabolism!
Maybe update later.
Macca
[Update:]
Dinner:
-Two turkey, cheese, salsa, veggie roll- 120 cal
-Half container of light french vanilla yogurt- 50 cal
So 770 cal for today. Feels like a lot but...under 800 so that's good. Those rolls are so filling. I have no idea why I had two! Guess I wanted to make sure this is the last I eat tonight. But I'm starting to hate feeling full. Makes me feel so faaaaaaaaaaat. But my calorie intake today doesn't reflect that so I'm glad :] No caffeine tonight, hopefully I can get some rest this time.
Always feel free to email!
-Special K Protein shake- 190 cal
Lunch:
-Two very small monster cookies- about 200 cal
(Fuck fuck! But they were made with oats so...fingers crossed for getting those goodies)
-Luck Charms cereal bar- 100 cal
(Not bad considering how AWESOME it was...)
Snack:
-Salmon onigiri (rice balls)- 175 cal
-Light string cheese- 50 cal
-Turkey, fat free creme cheese, salsa roll- 60 cal
(Sounded so weird but was awesome and SO satisfying. Just got some veggies for all kinds of combos!)
-Green tea with cinnamon
Exercise:
-168 cal
So my total thus far is a 607 net income...not bad but I'll probably be eating more tonight for dinner, maybe one of those roll things with veggies...But I will for sure stay under 900 cal or I will die. Or something else dramatic. It was really cold today though and I didn't wear a jacket and was out a lot so...fingers crossed it boosted my metabolism!
Maybe update later.
Macca
[Update:]
Dinner:
-Two turkey, cheese, salsa, veggie roll- 120 cal
-Half container of light french vanilla yogurt- 50 cal
So 770 cal for today. Feels like a lot but...under 800 so that's good. Those rolls are so filling. I have no idea why I had two! Guess I wanted to make sure this is the last I eat tonight. But I'm starting to hate feeling full. Makes me feel so faaaaaaaaaaat. But my calorie intake today doesn't reflect that so I'm glad :] No caffeine tonight, hopefully I can get some rest this time.
Always feel free to email!
Rough Night
Last night was awful. Zero sleep. I may have to increase my cal and lower slowly. And no tea before bed hahah!
But... When I stepped on the scale this morning (even though I know it doesn't "count"...I couldn't help but smile at it reading 121.8. ...
But... When I stepped on the scale this morning (even though I know it doesn't "count"...I couldn't help but smile at it reading 121.8. ...
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Day's Report: 4/15/12
The Day's Report:
Breakfast:
-Special K protein shake- 190 cal
Lunch (Fucked thanks to my smoking...):
-2½ White cheddar rice cakes with Village salsa - about 120 cal
(45 cal for each rice cake and 5 cal for every 2 tbsp of salsa)
-Cup of green tea with cinnamon, ginger, and 2 tsp of honey - 30 cal
Snack:
-Special K bar Vanilla- 90 cal
Dinner:
-Half a mini home made pizza- 255 cal
(Really, really awesome! Not that bad at all and I even got PEPPERONIS on it! <3)
-Green tea with cinnamon and 2 tsp of honey- 30 cal
Exercise:
Biked mile and a half- 48 cal burned
Elliptical for 15 minutes- 144.4
Biked a mile- 31
Ran at about 3.7mph for 15 minutes- 70
Intake:
715 cal (Ick...)
Exercise:
-293.4 cal
Total net intake:
421.6
Yes! Under 600 is even better! I know I can do better though but for now I want to focus on my accomplishment :] Legs are killing from the toning work I did today at the gym but that just means it's working, right? I'm glad I can start out on a strong note. I've been going through ana/mia in phases, then I'd think I'm fine and stop then realize how gross I am and start again. Two days ago I noticed how FAT my face was for the first time and I knew I had to do something. Last night I binged, but didn't purge. Almost like my last goodbyes to cheese curds, fries, chicken strips, and mayo. And I buckled down and did my best today, and seeing how well I did, I hope I can keep this up and reach 110 soon!
I'm finishing up my tea and took my fish oil with my din din so I'll be heading to bed shortly. If anyone wants to email or something, feel free to send me some letters.
McCartney.Jones7@gmail.com
Thanks for listening,
Macca
Breakfast:
-Special K protein shake- 190 cal
Lunch (Fucked thanks to my smoking...):
-2½ White cheddar rice cakes with Village salsa - about 120 cal
(45 cal for each rice cake and 5 cal for every 2 tbsp of salsa)
-Cup of green tea with cinnamon, ginger, and 2 tsp of honey - 30 cal
Snack:
-Special K bar Vanilla- 90 cal
Dinner:
-Half a mini home made pizza- 255 cal
(Really, really awesome! Not that bad at all and I even got PEPPERONIS on it! <3)
-Green tea with cinnamon and 2 tsp of honey- 30 cal
Exercise:
Biked mile and a half- 48 cal burned
Elliptical for 15 minutes- 144.4
Biked a mile- 31
Ran at about 3.7mph for 15 minutes- 70
Intake:
715 cal (Ick...)
Exercise:
-293.4 cal
Total net intake:
421.6
Yes! Under 600 is even better! I know I can do better though but for now I want to focus on my accomplishment :] Legs are killing from the toning work I did today at the gym but that just means it's working, right? I'm glad I can start out on a strong note. I've been going through ana/mia in phases, then I'd think I'm fine and stop then realize how gross I am and start again. Two days ago I noticed how FAT my face was for the first time and I knew I had to do something. Last night I binged, but didn't purge. Almost like my last goodbyes to cheese curds, fries, chicken strips, and mayo. And I buckled down and did my best today, and seeing how well I did, I hope I can keep this up and reach 110 soon!
I'm finishing up my tea and took my fish oil with my din din so I'll be heading to bed shortly. If anyone wants to email or something, feel free to send me some letters.
McCartney.Jones7@gmail.com
Thanks for listening,
Macca
Damnit, Mary...
Ughhhh!
Damn you, Mary Jane!!!!!!! You always make me so fucking hungry!! I HATE the munchies!
I have got to quit smoking.
[Edit:]
After my fatty pig out, it's time to go work out.
Wish me luck <3
Introduction
Hello, I'm McCartney.
Yeah...that's my name.
Anyways I'm making this blog to track myself and my weight loss. I feel like if I have something real, something tactile, real support from real girls who really know what I'm trying for...well then it will be easier.
I had a binge last night and so today I've decided it's time to stop trying and start doing.
So my current stats:
Height: 5'2"
High Weight: 127 lbs (57.6 kg)
Current Weight: 123.0 lbs (55.8 kg)
Current Goal: 110 lbs (49.9 kg)
It sucks because I ALWAYS gain more in winter. In the summer I average 117.0 lbs (53.1 kg). I just get so lazy and become such a fat ass in the winter. My depression usually acts up, too (Seasonal depression worsening my regular depression?). So I get really lazy. Maybe if I lived somewhere that didn't snow....That and I am curvy, naturally. I mean I'm not HUGE but..I am bigger breasted. I'd love to keep my shape but just be...thinner, flatter, prettier, better.
Well I plan to do weigh ins every Sunday. Even though we all know I'll be weighing like crazy through out the week. But I'll only count Sunday's weight in...or at least I'll try.
I try to stick to about 600 calories a day, up to 1200 on days I work out but...I'd like to keep even that more around 900 or 1000. And even that makes me feel gross.
So if anyone has any tips or anything, I'll gladly listen. I'm looking forward to meeting this awesome community here and everyone is certainly welcome to say whatever they feel. :]
Well...thanks for listening,
Macca
P.S.
I'll probably post maybe two to three times a day. Once in the morning and once in the evening tracking my progress. So...watch for that! <3
Yeah...that's my name.
Anyways I'm making this blog to track myself and my weight loss. I feel like if I have something real, something tactile, real support from real girls who really know what I'm trying for...well then it will be easier.
I had a binge last night and so today I've decided it's time to stop trying and start doing.
So my current stats:
Height: 5'2"
High Weight: 127 lbs (57.6 kg)
Current Weight: 123.0 lbs (55.8 kg)
Current Goal: 110 lbs (49.9 kg)
It sucks because I ALWAYS gain more in winter. In the summer I average 117.0 lbs (53.1 kg). I just get so lazy and become such a fat ass in the winter. My depression usually acts up, too (Seasonal depression worsening my regular depression?). So I get really lazy. Maybe if I lived somewhere that didn't snow....That and I am curvy, naturally. I mean I'm not HUGE but..I am bigger breasted. I'd love to keep my shape but just be...thinner, flatter, prettier, better.
Well I plan to do weigh ins every Sunday. Even though we all know I'll be weighing like crazy through out the week. But I'll only count Sunday's weight in...or at least I'll try.
I try to stick to about 600 calories a day, up to 1200 on days I work out but...I'd like to keep even that more around 900 or 1000. And even that makes me feel gross.
So if anyone has any tips or anything, I'll gladly listen. I'm looking forward to meeting this awesome community here and everyone is certainly welcome to say whatever they feel. :]
Well...thanks for listening,
Macca
P.S.
I'll probably post maybe two to three times a day. Once in the morning and once in the evening tracking my progress. So...watch for that! <3
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