Preschool

    I help teach a preschool. From 10:35am-12:20pm...We do "project" work on a certain topic which works on various advanced skills since these kids are all teachers' kids. Our Project work right now is restaurants. So I have to sit there and teach/hear/learn about pizzarias, bakeries, and icecream. We went to Tutti Frutti to see how they make it and of course....eat. ALL ABOUT FOOD RIGHT AROUND LUNCH TIME!!! It kills me, it really does. Then I have my lunch break right after that....


Fuck me.

Thinspo Number 1

Okay I'm planning entirely to make sure I DO NOT over eat tomorrow. I fucked up today...ugh.

Plan for tomorrow that I CANNOT deviate from (Unless it's less):

Brekkie:
¼ cup of plain oatmeal with cinnamon (75 cal)
1 cup of green tea
Total = 75 cal

Lunch:
1 hard boiled egg (77 cal)
1 applesauce (50 cal)
Total = 127 cal

Dinner:
Unknown (whatever Ma makes) - 200-300 cal at most


DO NOT DEVIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feel fat when I lose and thin when I gain?

Why is it that whenever I feel really fat and don't want to step on the scale, I dropped? Am I bloated so I just feel fat, but actually am not? Yesterday I was at 122 and felt small. Then I B/P'd and today I feel fat, but I'm 120.4?


What?

Restrict today, make sure it's not a fluke.

FATTY FAT FATTY aka Me (Pictures)

Me

My hair

And my makeup-less face

 See... I'd like to think I'm not ugly per se...even though that upper left picture is pretty old, the rest from maybe a month ago...I mean, I can be cute when I want to...it's just the fact that I'm a massive disgusting whale. Humiliation is really one of the best motivators so...I'll probably keep a picture log too...so here it goes...it's okay to look away or vomit or something if you have too. But...me at my near worst, just before I started this blog. At around...125 lbs (56.7 kg) I'm guessing...

^^^^^^ WTF!!!! I'm so gross. I want to die. Goddamn my boobs are getting big...ughhhhh. Fatty fat fatty!!! I'm wearing an inner-tube for God's sake!!! MOOOO YOU FAT COW BITCH!!!!!!!!!

Okay....out of my system now. No not really but...ugh. This will motivate me. It has to...my face isn't that bad...well my cheeks are fat but I mean...like...gfdjklghdfkjghdfjskl WHY AM I SO FAT?!

Okay I'm done. I literally can't be here anymore.
I disgust me.

But You're Not Anorexic

Been away for a while. Collecting some thoughts. Got my period on Saturday/Sunday. But I was somehow down to 120.6 so it hasn't bloated me up all gross :] I went to this body thing at my gym yesterday. It was a class that incorporated yoga, tai chi, and Pilates together. Holy balls....what a fucking work out. The ab portion was CRAZY and I think I died a little...But that night my mother made me feel like a total cow. After that hour long intense work out we had dinner. Broiled chicken and pesto pasta salad. Not TOO bad, considering I was at 200 cal for the day until then. But I was reading some thinspo and Mom asked what I was reading. It was a diary of an anorexic. She asked why I was reading that. I told her it was for my Psych class and made a joke about reading a book on anorexia while I was eating. She nods and laughs/scoffs and says, "Well obviously you're not anoreixic..."

....

What? What are you trying to say, Mom? I gave her a "look" and she just shrugs and points to my plate with her fork. "Well it'd be mighty hard to be anorexic when you're eating that much dinner."

...

I know she was meaning it in a playful way, but...really? FUCKING REALLY?! I then proceeded to feel like a fat, disgusting whale for the rest of the night. Today I was doing very well, took the ACTs, was at 170 cal by 3pm and then I went to Barnes & Noble to work on a school project with this acquaintance girl I was partnered with. I had a light mocha frappuccino with no whipped cream. 110 cals. Then for whatever reason I also had a sourdough asiago pretzel, a spinach and feta stuffed pretzel, AND a whole bag of kettle chips. 300cals just for the chips. I don't know about the pretzels. Don't want to. I got home and was okay. I just made a mistake. I'll get over it, right? WRONG! I picked up my book,  read some blogs and just stood up and went to my mom's bathroom and tried to puke. I got most of the spinach and feta pretzel up but that's about it. Tastes SO awful coming back up. Awful. The worst part was how...natural it was. I just got up, purged for ten minutes, rinsed my mouth got some gum and sat back down and kept reading. There was almost zero emotion behind it. To think that just last week I couldn't purge is scary....and now it's nothing to me. Now I almost...like it. Which I hate. I don't know what to feel....

It's 6:28pm now. No more food for tonight. Maybe some green tea, but definitely not after 8pm.
Ugh...I'm gross

PUT IT DOWN

STOP FEEDING YOUR FAT FUCKING FACE!!!!!!! PUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!

Pepperonis, waffles dripping in butter, the rice cakes, the salsa. the pizza rolls, the pasta, the cereal, the fruit snacks, the apple sauce, the juice.

find a nice little home in my belly and never come up.






i want to die.

Fasting Day and joining blogs

Okay, fast day today. Or at least an attempted one. After yesterday I need it, and I'll probably do some yoga today so that's good. I usually fail at fasting but I know I need to work into it so if it is a fail, it will be a < 200 cal fail, which i can deal with. Any tips and tricks to avoid hunger would be loved!

I'm also wanting to join the Ana/Mia Chronicles, an awesome, supportive blog. I sent my request by email a few days a go so crossing fingers I can join those lovely ladies and their battles, too.

So, I may update tonight, may not. But until later, bye lovelies. Stay beautiful.

Edit:
Even better! Did a little research on some yummy negative cal fruits and veggies. So it will be a negative cal day :D

Honeydew, here I come.

Binge...no purge

I was doing so well today. I was at 235 cal. And I got home and was going to eat half a sandwich. 196.7 cal. And call it good.  But then I ate the other half. And pizza rolls, and half a mini pizza, and waffles CAKED in butter and more pizza rolls and a pudding cup.

I am so disgusting. Why did I eat mostly meat and bread for my binge?!?!? SO hard to get up! I tried to purge, I really did. All I got was a little bit of pudding, a couple of pizza rolls, and water. What's wrong with me? AND I drank coconut water to help get it up. EVEN MY WATER HAD CALORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is a fast day, for sure. Nothing but zero calorie water. Any encouragement would be great, I need motivation so badly. And any tips on B/Ping well would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks,
The Fat Fucking Loser

Day's Report: 4/16/12

Breakfast:
-Special K Protein shake- 190 cal

Lunch:
-Two very small monster cookies- about 200 cal
    (Fuck fuck! But they were made with oats so...fingers crossed for getting those goodies)
-Luck Charms cereal bar- 100 cal
    (Not bad considering how AWESOME it was...)

Snack:
-Salmon onigiri (rice balls)- 175 cal
-Light string cheese- 50 cal
-Turkey, fat free creme cheese, salsa roll- 60 cal
    (Sounded so weird but was awesome and SO satisfying. Just got some veggies for all kinds of combos!)
-Green tea with cinnamon

Exercise:
-168 cal

So my total thus far is a 607 net income...not bad but I'll probably be eating more tonight for dinner, maybe one of those roll things with veggies...But I will for sure stay under 900 cal or I will die. Or something else dramatic. It was really cold today though and I didn't wear a jacket and was out a lot so...fingers crossed it boosted my metabolism!

Maybe update later.
Macca

[Update:]
Dinner:
-Two turkey, cheese, salsa, veggie roll- 120 cal
-Half container of light french vanilla yogurt- 50 cal

So 770 cal for today. Feels like a lot but...under 800 so that's good. Those rolls are so filling. I have no idea why I had two! Guess I wanted to make sure this is the last I eat tonight. But I'm starting to hate feeling full. Makes me feel so faaaaaaaaaaat. But my calorie intake today doesn't reflect that so I'm glad :] No caffeine tonight, hopefully I can get some rest this time.

Always feel free to email!

Rough Night

Last night was awful. Zero sleep. I may have to increase my cal and lower slowly. And no tea before bed hahah!

But... When I stepped on the scale this morning (even though I know it doesn't "count"...I couldn't help but smile at it reading 121.8. ...

Damnit, Mary...

Ughhhh!

Damn you, Mary Jane!!!!!!! You always make me so fucking hungry!! I HATE the munchies!



I have got to quit smoking.

[Edit:]
After my fatty pig out, it's time to go work out.
Wish me luck <3