I help teach a preschool. From 10:35am-12:20pm...We do "project" work on a certain topic which works on various advanced skills since these kids are all teachers' kids. Our Project work right now is restaurants. So I have to sit there and teach/hear/learn about pizzarias, bakeries, and icecream. We went to Tutti Frutti to see how they make it and of course....eat. ALL ABOUT FOOD RIGHT AROUND LUNCH TIME!!! It kills me, it really does. Then I have my lunch break right after that....
Fuck me.
Showing posts with label restriction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label restriction. Show all posts
Friday, May 11, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
How Do You Fast? Boyfriend = Fat
When I look at food, I don't see food anymore. I see numbers.
I tried fasting today after my first BP in a couple weeks. Does anyone else have shitty fasting results? I didn't eat all day and my weight didn't budge. Not even .1 of a pound. I ended up getting sick, probably an electrolyte imbalance from throwing up then not eating anything. I guess I just can't fast. It doesn't work for me. Does anyone else get zero results from fasting?
...my boyfriend is making me fat. I feel comfortable and beautiful around him so I don't feel I need to restrict and exercise like crazy to be MY version of perfect for him. He makes me feel beautiful just as I am. What a jerk. How DARE he make me fat. We went to Culver's and I got a root beer float. He got a bacon cheese burger, float, and fries AND cheese curds. He's 6'2" (188 cm) and 140 lbs (63.5 kg). His BMI is 18.0. He is underweight. He sat there and got me to eat his fries and cheese curds. With ketchup and mayo (fucking frysauce) and ranch. Full fat ranch. I TOOK his burger and ate some of it. Bacon cheese burger. He laughed at me. I told him that now I feel fat. He got all serious and looked me dead in the eye and said "Well I'm glad I can get you to eat at least some of the time. I'm glad to see you eat. You need to eat." And I'm like...YOU SERIOUS?! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO EAT!!! YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND I AM A 21.8 BMI WALRUS WHALE MOOSE!! AND YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!! Ughh....angry. But...I feel bad because he's so sweet to me.
And well...TMI moment but I've always dealt with self image issues. I used to cut, drink, do drugs, and have a lot of casual sex. A LOT. That's just how I dealt with things. Sex means I'm pretty, right? (Or easy. Whatever) But I always said it means I'm pretty. I was always aggressive, assertive, the dominate one. Yet very obedient. Sexually. But with this boy...when we get sexual (haven't had sex, like intercourse yet, and yeah..pretty early in our relationship been a week and a half but in my defense we've been friends for six years and sorta...skipped the dating, courting, get-to-know-you phase) it's...different. Afterwards like after he makes me...climax...I get super...shy? Like...I blush and I just HAVE to cover my face because he's smiling at me and telling me how cute I am when I...erm...yeah and I get all girly and awkward and shy... I think I really like this kid...
That and he's totally thinspo.. so tall and thin. I can see his hip bones through his clothes and his legs are so long and lean, no chance of them EVER touching. I grab his stomach and there is NOTHING. I can barely grab skin, it's pulled so tight and smooth over his chest and stomach, his abdominal muscles show through it perfectly without being ripped or bulky. It's smooth and toned and thin. All of him is smooth and toned and slim and thin. He eats every two days. Works out a lot. Ugh....so thinspo. How can someone so thin and beautiful and perfect want to be with a thick, fat, pudgy, round, flabby, troll like me? I'd hate to think I'm some sort of charity project...
I tried fasting today after my first BP in a couple weeks. Does anyone else have shitty fasting results? I didn't eat all day and my weight didn't budge. Not even .1 of a pound. I ended up getting sick, probably an electrolyte imbalance from throwing up then not eating anything. I guess I just can't fast. It doesn't work for me. Does anyone else get zero results from fasting?
...my boyfriend is making me fat. I feel comfortable and beautiful around him so I don't feel I need to restrict and exercise like crazy to be MY version of perfect for him. He makes me feel beautiful just as I am. What a jerk. How DARE he make me fat. We went to Culver's and I got a root beer float. He got a bacon cheese burger, float, and fries AND cheese curds. He's 6'2" (188 cm) and 140 lbs (63.5 kg). His BMI is 18.0. He is underweight. He sat there and got me to eat his fries and cheese curds. With ketchup and mayo (fucking frysauce) and ranch. Full fat ranch. I TOOK his burger and ate some of it. Bacon cheese burger. He laughed at me. I told him that now I feel fat. He got all serious and looked me dead in the eye and said "Well I'm glad I can get you to eat at least some of the time. I'm glad to see you eat. You need to eat." And I'm like...YOU SERIOUS?! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO EAT!!! YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND I AM A 21.8 BMI WALRUS WHALE MOOSE!! AND YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!! Ughh....angry. But...I feel bad because he's so sweet to me.
And well...TMI moment but I've always dealt with self image issues. I used to cut, drink, do drugs, and have a lot of casual sex. A LOT. That's just how I dealt with things. Sex means I'm pretty, right? (Or easy. Whatever) But I always said it means I'm pretty. I was always aggressive, assertive, the dominate one. Yet very obedient. Sexually. But with this boy...when we get sexual (haven't had sex, like intercourse yet, and yeah..pretty early in our relationship been a week and a half but in my defense we've been friends for six years and sorta...skipped the dating, courting, get-to-know-you phase) it's...different. Afterwards like after he makes me...climax...I get super...shy? Like...I blush and I just HAVE to cover my face because he's smiling at me and telling me how cute I am when I...erm...yeah and I get all girly and awkward and shy... I think I really like this kid...
That and he's totally thinspo.. so tall and thin. I can see his hip bones through his clothes and his legs are so long and lean, no chance of them EVER touching. I grab his stomach and there is NOTHING. I can barely grab skin, it's pulled so tight and smooth over his chest and stomach, his abdominal muscles show through it perfectly without being ripped or bulky. It's smooth and toned and thin. All of him is smooth and toned and slim and thin. He eats every two days. Works out a lot. Ugh....so thinspo. How can someone so thin and beautiful and perfect want to be with a thick, fat, pudgy, round, flabby, troll like me? I'd hate to think I'm some sort of charity project...
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Feel fat when I lose and thin when I gain?
Why is it that whenever I feel really fat and don't want to step on the scale, I dropped? Am I bloated so I just feel fat, but actually am not? Yesterday I was at 122 and felt small. Then I B/P'd and today I feel fat, but I'm 120.4?
What?
Restrict today, make sure it's not a fluke.
What?
Restrict today, make sure it's not a fluke.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Decent
Well today has been alright. Half a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon for brek (real oatmeal, not that prepackaged shit), ¾ cup of rice cereal, and a cup of chicken noodle soup just now. A detailed cal count will come later tonight. Now I'm off to exercise and read Wintergirls while I do!
-Macca
-Macca
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)