Starting over- Going to need help. Tips?

I'm at 125.2. Because I'm fat. Because I let go for a few months and smoke too much weed. But I'm back. And I'm serious. I'm going to start updating my weekly calendar weigh ins. Every Friday morning. Picture diary will come back. I'm going to need help restricting again. Maybe get a red bracelet to remind me what I'm doing and who I am.

Be cause this is me now. I thought I was done after my little run. I left because I didn't care anymore and felt like a poser wannarexic that wasted your time.

But I'm not. I let it loose and now nothing can get it back inside me. Even if I think I'm okay for months, I'm not. The thoughts never left. And I loved the control I had. Nothing could stop me. People were jealous of my dedication. I could diet, I could work out for hours, and I was losing weight. They were not. But they're not like us. They aren't strong like us. And I'm going to give them something to really envy.

It'll be hard, but I'm trying to ease into restricting. But maybe hitting hard will shock me into sudden loss. That'd be awesome.

A fourth of an apple for brek so far, don't know about the rest of the day.

Any tips for getting me back to restricting? How often to eat to keep up my metabolism? I used to know these things...

I'm Back

I fell off for a while there, I didn't care. But after watching Girl With The Dragon Tattoo I am back on. Rooney Mara. Five foot three and non existent. I can do it too. I'm back.

Help?

Super beautiful mega thinspo best friend is coming up from Arizona (Moved 2 years ago, but we stay in touch and are super close). Just in time to see her perfect thin little size 1 body next to my gargantuan form. I won't be able to hear her talk over the sound of my thighs scraping together.

May 28th she will be here...

What do you think I can lose by then?

    Diet now will be eat nothing until I am honestly hungry (I'll drink something first to make sure I'm not just confusing hunger for thirst.) and then super restrict. But stay healthy. And hey, if I want a little something sweet, I won't deprive, but for sure talk to my texting buddy (love you) to make sure I don't over do it. Deprivation leads to binge. I won't treat it like ana or a diet. Just fact. It HAS to be done so I will do it. No fuss. Just do. As for exercise I am thinking 20 minute circuits of cardio/toning whenever I can fit it in. Alternating simple things like jumping jacks and running in place with crunches and squats and such just to keep my heart rate up and tone. This will probably work better than going to the gym for 2 hours every few days. Keep my metabolism up and hopefully burn fat more efficiently.

    So...May 28th...how much can I lose, realistically?

"Anorexic Bitch" and Boyfriends

    There is this guy at my work and he and I are always being mean to each other for shits and giggles. I was telling him that I hoped his new girlfriend wasn't like the other. She was a chunky little thing. Stout. And he got all mad for real and defensive.
"Hey, she wasn't fat, okay?!" I just laughed at him and said okay.

And what does he say to me?

"Oh yeah well you're not pretty. You're ugly. I am legitimately not attracted to you. Never have been. You're too skinny, you anorexic bitch."

Is it sad that him saying that made me smile? I felt so fucking good.

    On another note....long time best friend of mine asked me out. I've had a huge crush on him for three years. I did a little dance. I know I shouldn't but...I feel like this is reinforcement of my ED. Like..once I got serious and embraced it instead of pushing it away and being miserable silently...once I decided to DO something...here comes the guy I've wanted for years. Wanting to be my boyfriend. More importantly, wanting ME as his girlfriend. I have terrible anxiety with dating and my longest relationship has been...a full day. Twenty-four hours. It's been over twelve and I'm not hyperventilating or crying or screaming and pulling out my hair. This has never happened before. I don't want to think it's the ED but...it's the common denominator.

Also...I had to tighten my work belt an extra notch, and this excitement of neat, new, thinspiration boyfriend without the awkward dating part has made my intake awesome today.

238.5 cals.
118.8 lbs

Today is a good day.