What freak LIKES to purge?

Me?

I purged for the first time in months. (A whole pizza....) And I feel amazing. My stomach hurts and my ribs hurt. Breathing hurts. I have red speckles all over my face from broken blood vessels. But it was awesome. I was scared, I remember how hard it was to start months ago. I didn't want that fear and how long and difficult it was. But...it wasn't. It was like riding a bike. It all just fell out, like my body remembered that it was supposed to reject food like a bill in a vending machine, it was just waiting for me to give the signal. The next morning, my throat hurts, chest hurts, and my stomach kills. I forget how hard it is on the abs. But....stomach kills. I don't even want to eat with a tummy ache, making the rest of my days easier.

Does anyone else get that? After a big middle of the night purge you just feel...satisfied? Don't need to eat the next day?

But You're Not Anorexic

Been away for a while. Collecting some thoughts. Got my period on Saturday/Sunday. But I was somehow down to 120.6 so it hasn't bloated me up all gross :] I went to this body thing at my gym yesterday. It was a class that incorporated yoga, tai chi, and Pilates together. Holy balls....what a fucking work out. The ab portion was CRAZY and I think I died a little...But that night my mother made me feel like a total cow. After that hour long intense work out we had dinner. Broiled chicken and pesto pasta salad. Not TOO bad, considering I was at 200 cal for the day until then. But I was reading some thinspo and Mom asked what I was reading. It was a diary of an anorexic. She asked why I was reading that. I told her it was for my Psych class and made a joke about reading a book on anorexia while I was eating. She nods and laughs/scoffs and says, "Well obviously you're not anoreixic..."

....

What? What are you trying to say, Mom? I gave her a "look" and she just shrugs and points to my plate with her fork. "Well it'd be mighty hard to be anorexic when you're eating that much dinner."

...

I know she was meaning it in a playful way, but...really? FUCKING REALLY?! I then proceeded to feel like a fat, disgusting whale for the rest of the night. Today I was doing very well, took the ACTs, was at 170 cal by 3pm and then I went to Barnes & Noble to work on a school project with this acquaintance girl I was partnered with. I had a light mocha frappuccino with no whipped cream. 110 cals. Then for whatever reason I also had a sourdough asiago pretzel, a spinach and feta stuffed pretzel, AND a whole bag of kettle chips. 300cals just for the chips. I don't know about the pretzels. Don't want to. I got home and was okay. I just made a mistake. I'll get over it, right? WRONG! I picked up my book,  read some blogs and just stood up and went to my mom's bathroom and tried to puke. I got most of the spinach and feta pretzel up but that's about it. Tastes SO awful coming back up. Awful. The worst part was how...natural it was. I just got up, purged for ten minutes, rinsed my mouth got some gum and sat back down and kept reading. There was almost zero emotion behind it. To think that just last week I couldn't purge is scary....and now it's nothing to me. Now I almost...like it. Which I hate. I don't know what to feel....

It's 6:28pm now. No more food for tonight. Maybe some green tea, but definitely not after 8pm.
Ugh...I'm gross

New Weigh In Day?

Last night was awful.
But luckily I purged most, if not all, of it up. Fuck me for eating hard to purge food. But luckily my little tum-tum feels tired and like shit after all that hard purging last night so eating is not something that is going to happen. Not soon anyways....

So I've noticed that weekends tend to be a bit harder, should I change my weigh in days to Friday or more likely Saturday morning? That way if the weekend goes sour I don't have to pay for it on Monday and I get a chance to correct any weekend mishaps over the week? I'm thinking about it.

Ugh..fuck purging. My stomach feels like shiiiiiit.




But the scale says 121.6 so...who cares?
Off to do crunches while I watch tv. Shoot me some mail, we'll talk.
<3

PUT IT DOWN

STOP FEEDING YOUR FAT FUCKING FACE!!!!!!! PUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!

Pepperonis, waffles dripping in butter, the rice cakes, the salsa. the pizza rolls, the pasta, the cereal, the fruit snacks, the apple sauce, the juice.

find a nice little home in my belly and never come up.






i want to die.

Need Motivation

Ughhh. I'm feeling weak. Food is calling me. On the TV...they're talking about this teenage boy that eats over 5000 calories a day!!!!!!!!! So much food....now they're cooking dinner....I can practically smell it. But I can't change the channel. It's like a train wreck. I can't look away.

HGFDJSGLKJKL!!! Can I still eat negative cals?

Edit:
I failed...but not miserably.
1½ rice cakes with salsa- <90 cal
around 10 honeydew melon balls (neg cal)

Now my mom is making some sort of rice/salmon/egg/orange pepper/asparagus stir fry thing.
She's using peanut oil (Gross...like 130 cal A SERVING) and she's using whole eggs (she could at least have used egg whites...) But my intake was low today...and most of the things in it are decent (veggies, salmon, rice). I'll try and limit since I had some neg cal fruits first so i wouldn't be too hungry and over do it. I still need to work my way to fasting and I plan to hit the gym at least twice a week. But for now...it'll do. I'll try not to go too crazy with the rice. Mom's dishing it for me though....probably a lot. (She's one of those naturally skinny people. She has a smaller pant size than me.) Well....wish me luck.

Feel fee to email me at anytime <3
mccartney.jones7@gmail.com

<3

Binge...no purge

I was doing so well today. I was at 235 cal. And I got home and was going to eat half a sandwich. 196.7 cal. And call it good.  But then I ate the other half. And pizza rolls, and half a mini pizza, and waffles CAKED in butter and more pizza rolls and a pudding cup.

I am so disgusting. Why did I eat mostly meat and bread for my binge?!?!? SO hard to get up! I tried to purge, I really did. All I got was a little bit of pudding, a couple of pizza rolls, and water. What's wrong with me? AND I drank coconut water to help get it up. EVEN MY WATER HAD CALORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is a fast day, for sure. Nothing but zero calorie water. Any encouragement would be great, I need motivation so badly. And any tips on B/Ping well would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks,
The Fat Fucking Loser