There is this guy at my work and he and I are always being mean to each other for shits and giggles. I was telling him that I hoped his new girlfriend wasn't like the other. She was a chunky little thing. Stout. And he got all mad for real and defensive.
"Hey, she wasn't fat, okay?!" I just laughed at him and said okay.
And what does he say to me?
"Oh yeah well you're not pretty. You're ugly. I am legitimately not attracted to you. Never have been. You're too skinny, you anorexic bitch."
Is it sad that him saying that made me smile? I felt so fucking good.
On another note....long time best friend of mine asked me out. I've had a huge crush on him for three years. I did a little dance. I know I shouldn't but...I feel like this is reinforcement of my ED. Like..once I got serious and embraced it instead of pushing it away and being miserable silently...once I decided to DO something...here comes the guy I've wanted for years. Wanting to be my boyfriend. More importantly, wanting ME as his girlfriend. I have terrible anxiety with dating and my longest relationship has been...a full day. Twenty-four hours. It's been over twelve and I'm not hyperventilating or crying or screaming and pulling out my hair. This has never happened before. I don't want to think it's the ED but...it's the common denominator.
Also...I had to tighten my work belt an extra notch, and this excitement of neat, new, thinspiration boyfriend without the awkward dating part has made my intake awesome today.
238.5 cals.
118.8 lbs
Today is a good day.
Oooooh congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you! And you just totally inspired me. So 118.8 is the weight at which one gets the hot-best-guy-friend-whom-I've-secretly-wanted-for-years? Well then, 118.8 here I come!
ReplyDeleteStay strong, you skinny anorexic bitch :P
xx
Awh <3 Seeing your comments just makes my day!! Ahahah I hope thats how it works. three and a half years (or longer) or just WAITING and bam. Just like...there. You can totally do 188.8 :]
Delete<3 xoxox
I hope so! And btw, when are we seeing some updates in the picture diary? :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm less gross....hgdfhnd
DeleteNo that's cheating uhm...I was wondering that myself.
Should I update after losing every however many pounds? Or every so often like time wise? Not sure....your idea?
I do a picture diary just for myself (it's way way too disgusting to ever show anyone else. Perhaps someday when I've lost more) and I update every 2kg or so. Which is about 4.4lbs. I don't do it according to time, because sometimes in two weeks I lose 3kgs, sometimes I stay exactly the same for two weeks, and sometimes I gain. So to do it according to time could be very demotivating. So yeah, I'd say every __lbs.
DeleteThe other good thing about keeping a picture diary is that it's good "reverse thinspo" if you get what I mean. I look at pics of myself at 82kg and I think to myself - I will do absolutely anything I have to to make sure I never ever ever look like that again.