Been away for a while. Collecting some thoughts. Got my period on Saturday/Sunday. But I was somehow down to 120.6 so it hasn't bloated me up all gross :] I went to this body thing at my gym yesterday. It was a class that incorporated yoga, tai chi, and Pilates together. Holy balls....what a fucking work out. The ab portion was CRAZY and I think I died a little...But that night my mother made me feel like a total cow. After that hour long intense work out we had dinner. Broiled chicken and pesto pasta salad. Not TOO bad, considering I was at 200 cal for the day until then. But I was reading some thinspo and Mom asked what I was reading. It was a diary of an anorexic. She asked why I was reading that. I told her it was for my Psych class and made a joke about reading a book on anorexia while I was eating. She nods and laughs/scoffs and says, "Well obviously you're not anoreixic..."
....
What? What are you trying to say, Mom? I gave her a "look" and she just shrugs and points to my plate with her fork. "Well it'd be mighty hard to be anorexic when you're eating that much dinner."
...
I know she was meaning it in a playful way, but...really? FUCKING REALLY?! I then proceeded to feel like a fat, disgusting whale for the rest of the night. Today I was doing very well, took the ACTs, was at 170 cal by 3pm and then I went to Barnes & Noble to work on a school project with this acquaintance girl I was partnered with. I had a light mocha frappuccino with no whipped cream. 110 cals. Then for whatever reason I also had a sourdough asiago pretzel, a spinach and feta stuffed pretzel, AND a whole bag of kettle chips. 300cals just for the chips. I don't know about the pretzels. Don't want to. I got home and was okay. I just made a mistake. I'll get over it, right? WRONG! I picked up my book, read some blogs and just stood up and went to my mom's bathroom and tried to puke. I got most of the spinach and feta pretzel up but that's about it. Tastes SO awful coming back up. Awful. The worst part was how...natural it was. I just got up, purged for ten minutes, rinsed my mouth got some gum and sat back down and kept reading. There was almost zero emotion behind it. To think that just last week I couldn't purge is scary....and now it's nothing to me. Now I almost...like it. Which I hate. I don't know what to feel....
It's 6:28pm now. No more food for tonight. Maybe some green tea, but definitely not after 8pm.
Ugh...I'm gross
On the one hand it makes me really mad when people say things like that. Even if they think it's a joke, it sure isn't to the person you say it to. And it doesn't have to be something about anorexia, specifically - basically any weight-related comment/joke. I still remember about 7 years ago, I was in this group at church and we were getting t-shirts, and I said I'd take a medium. And this one guy asked me "Don't you mean an extra-large?" Later he apologised and said that he wasn't saying I'm fat - he was refering to the fact that I have big boobs. But I still remember it to this day and it still upsets me.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, at least you apparently don't need to worry about your mom being suspicious, which I can promise you is a good thing. If my mom saw me reading thinspiration, she's load me in the car and take me to a shrink right away.
Keep it up, you can do this!
xx
hfjsdlkghf I know, right? For most people, it's whatever. For me it freezes my blood. Then I'm super paranoid for days after. And shitty of him, by the way. I have big boobs too and I hate that people are starting to associate that with being really obese. So I get those off handed "You used to be fat?" comments.
DeleteAnd yes. Mom is not concerned. If it's strikingly obvious she'll probably go into denial or something.
<3 thanks! You are SO supportive!!
I'm pretty sure that people who make comments like that are part of the reason that there are other people with eating disorders. And yeah, people who associated being big-breasted with being overweight - so ridiculous. Women in my family all have big boobs. Every single one of them. It's a fact. Actually, they all have big butts and thighs too. We're naturally hourglass shaped, and one would think that's supposed to be a good thing, but noooooo...
DeleteMother in denial... Could be a good thing in some situations :D
I just feel like I have to whip out pictures to be like "See?! I WAS NEVER A WHALE!!!" It sucks because my mom is smaller than me. She's shorter, smaller pants size, smaller (way smaller) bra size, and even smaller shoes. I feel like a giant next to her "orz
ReplyDelete