What freak LIKES to purge?

Me?

I purged for the first time in months. (A whole pizza....) And I feel amazing. My stomach hurts and my ribs hurt. Breathing hurts. I have red speckles all over my face from broken blood vessels. But it was awesome. I was scared, I remember how hard it was to start months ago. I didn't want that fear and how long and difficult it was. But...it wasn't. It was like riding a bike. It all just fell out, like my body remembered that it was supposed to reject food like a bill in a vending machine, it was just waiting for me to give the signal. The next morning, my throat hurts, chest hurts, and my stomach kills. I forget how hard it is on the abs. But....stomach kills. I don't even want to eat with a tummy ache, making the rest of my days easier.

Does anyone else get that? After a big middle of the night purge you just feel...satisfied? Don't need to eat the next day?

How Do You Fast? Boyfriend = Fat

When I look at food, I don't see food anymore. I see numbers.

I tried fasting today after my first BP in a couple weeks. Does anyone else have shitty fasting results? I didn't eat all day and my weight didn't budge. Not even .1 of a pound. I ended up getting sick, probably an electrolyte imbalance from throwing up then not eating anything. I guess I just can't fast. It doesn't work for me. Does anyone else get zero results from fasting?

...my boyfriend is making me fat. I feel comfortable and beautiful around him so I don't feel I need to restrict and exercise like crazy to be MY version of perfect for him. He makes me feel beautiful just as I am. What a jerk. How DARE he make me fat. We went to Culver's and I got a root beer float. He got a bacon cheese burger, float, and fries AND cheese curds. He's 6'2" (188 cm) and 140 lbs (63.5 kg). His BMI is 18.0. He is underweight. He sat there and got me to eat his fries and cheese curds. With ketchup and mayo (fucking frysauce) and ranch. Full fat ranch. I TOOK his burger and ate some of it. Bacon cheese burger. He laughed at me. I told him that now I feel fat. He got all serious and looked me dead in the eye and said "Well I'm glad I can get you to eat at least some of the time. I'm glad to see you eat. You need to eat." And I'm like...YOU SERIOUS?! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO EAT!!! YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND I AM A 21.8 BMI WALRUS WHALE MOOSE!! AND YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!! Ughh....angry. But...I feel bad because he's so sweet to me.
    And well...TMI moment but I've always dealt with self image issues. I used to cut, drink, do drugs, and have a lot of casual sex. A LOT. That's just how I dealt with things. Sex means I'm pretty, right? (Or easy. Whatever) But I always said it means I'm pretty. I was always aggressive, assertive, the dominate one. Yet very obedient. Sexually. But with this boy...when we get sexual (haven't had sex, like intercourse yet, and yeah..pretty early in our relationship been a week and a half but in my defense we've been friends for six years and sorta...skipped the dating, courting, get-to-know-you phase) it's...different. Afterwards like after he makes me...climax...I get super...shy? Like...I blush and I just HAVE to cover my face because he's smiling at me and telling me how cute I am when I...erm...yeah and I get all girly and awkward and shy... I think I really like this kid...
    That and he's totally thinspo.. so tall and thin. I can see his hip bones through his clothes and his legs are so long and lean, no chance of them EVER touching. I grab his stomach and there is NOTHING. I can barely grab skin, it's pulled so tight and smooth over his chest and stomach, his abdominal muscles show through it perfectly without being ripped or bulky. It's smooth and toned and thin. All of him is smooth and toned and slim and thin. He eats every two days. Works out a lot. Ugh....so thinspo. How can someone so thin and beautiful and perfect want to be with a thick, fat, pudgy, round, flabby, troll like me? I'd hate to think I'm some sort of charity project...

But You're Not Anorexic

Been away for a while. Collecting some thoughts. Got my period on Saturday/Sunday. But I was somehow down to 120.6 so it hasn't bloated me up all gross :] I went to this body thing at my gym yesterday. It was a class that incorporated yoga, tai chi, and Pilates together. Holy balls....what a fucking work out. The ab portion was CRAZY and I think I died a little...But that night my mother made me feel like a total cow. After that hour long intense work out we had dinner. Broiled chicken and pesto pasta salad. Not TOO bad, considering I was at 200 cal for the day until then. But I was reading some thinspo and Mom asked what I was reading. It was a diary of an anorexic. She asked why I was reading that. I told her it was for my Psych class and made a joke about reading a book on anorexia while I was eating. She nods and laughs/scoffs and says, "Well obviously you're not anoreixic..."

....

What? What are you trying to say, Mom? I gave her a "look" and she just shrugs and points to my plate with her fork. "Well it'd be mighty hard to be anorexic when you're eating that much dinner."

...

I know she was meaning it in a playful way, but...really? FUCKING REALLY?! I then proceeded to feel like a fat, disgusting whale for the rest of the night. Today I was doing very well, took the ACTs, was at 170 cal by 3pm and then I went to Barnes & Noble to work on a school project with this acquaintance girl I was partnered with. I had a light mocha frappuccino with no whipped cream. 110 cals. Then for whatever reason I also had a sourdough asiago pretzel, a spinach and feta stuffed pretzel, AND a whole bag of kettle chips. 300cals just for the chips. I don't know about the pretzels. Don't want to. I got home and was okay. I just made a mistake. I'll get over it, right? WRONG! I picked up my book,  read some blogs and just stood up and went to my mom's bathroom and tried to puke. I got most of the spinach and feta pretzel up but that's about it. Tastes SO awful coming back up. Awful. The worst part was how...natural it was. I just got up, purged for ten minutes, rinsed my mouth got some gum and sat back down and kept reading. There was almost zero emotion behind it. To think that just last week I couldn't purge is scary....and now it's nothing to me. Now I almost...like it. Which I hate. I don't know what to feel....

It's 6:28pm now. No more food for tonight. Maybe some green tea, but definitely not after 8pm.
Ugh...I'm gross

PUT IT DOWN

STOP FEEDING YOUR FAT FUCKING FACE!!!!!!! PUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!

Pepperonis, waffles dripping in butter, the rice cakes, the salsa. the pizza rolls, the pasta, the cereal, the fruit snacks, the apple sauce, the juice.

find a nice little home in my belly and never come up.






i want to die.

Binge...no purge

I was doing so well today. I was at 235 cal. And I got home and was going to eat half a sandwich. 196.7 cal. And call it good.  But then I ate the other half. And pizza rolls, and half a mini pizza, and waffles CAKED in butter and more pizza rolls and a pudding cup.

I am so disgusting. Why did I eat mostly meat and bread for my binge?!?!? SO hard to get up! I tried to purge, I really did. All I got was a little bit of pudding, a couple of pizza rolls, and water. What's wrong with me? AND I drank coconut water to help get it up. EVEN MY WATER HAD CALORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is a fast day, for sure. Nothing but zero calorie water. Any encouragement would be great, I need motivation so badly. And any tips on B/Ping well would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks,
The Fat Fucking Loser