Can I condition my own mind? Like a Pavlovian type of conditioning? Have cravings? Drink tea. Hungry? Drink tea. Want cookies? Drink tea. Stomach growling? Drink tea. Lost a pound? Drink tea.
Is it possible to replace my cravings and hunger, via conditioning, with green tea? So when I crave or get hunger, I want tea? Make tea a reward? I know you can knowingly condition yourself, making it a little mind fuck-y, but I really want to do it.
Really.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Preschool
I help teach a preschool. From 10:35am-12:20pm...We do "project" work on a certain topic which works on various advanced skills since these kids are all teachers' kids. Our Project work right now is restaurants. So I have to sit there and teach/hear/learn about pizzarias, bakeries, and icecream. We went to Tutti Frutti to see how they make it and of course....eat. ALL ABOUT FOOD RIGHT AROUND LUNCH TIME!!! It kills me, it really does. Then I have my lunch break right after that....
Fuck me.
Fuck me.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Help?
Super beautiful mega thinspo best friend is coming up from Arizona (Moved 2 years ago, but we stay in touch and are super close). Just in time to see her perfect thin little size 1 body next to my gargantuan form. I won't be able to hear her talk over the sound of my thighs scraping together.
May 28th she will be here...
What do you think I can lose by then?
Diet now will be eat nothing until I am honestly hungry (I'll drink something first to make sure I'm not just confusing hunger for thirst.) and then super restrict. But stay healthy. And hey, if I want a little something sweet, I won't deprive, but for sure talk to my texting buddy (love you) to make sure I don't over do it. Deprivation leads to binge. I won't treat it like ana or a diet. Just fact. It HAS to be done so I will do it. No fuss. Just do. As for exercise I am thinking 20 minute circuits of cardio/toning whenever I can fit it in. Alternating simple things like jumping jacks and running in place with crunches and squats and such just to keep my heart rate up and tone. This will probably work better than going to the gym for 2 hours every few days. Keep my metabolism up and hopefully burn fat more efficiently.
So...May 28th...how much can I lose, realistically?
May 28th she will be here...
What do you think I can lose by then?
Diet now will be eat nothing until I am honestly hungry (I'll drink something first to make sure I'm not just confusing hunger for thirst.) and then super restrict. But stay healthy. And hey, if I want a little something sweet, I won't deprive, but for sure talk to my texting buddy (love you) to make sure I don't over do it. Deprivation leads to binge. I won't treat it like ana or a diet. Just fact. It HAS to be done so I will do it. No fuss. Just do. As for exercise I am thinking 20 minute circuits of cardio/toning whenever I can fit it in. Alternating simple things like jumping jacks and running in place with crunches and squats and such just to keep my heart rate up and tone. This will probably work better than going to the gym for 2 hours every few days. Keep my metabolism up and hopefully burn fat more efficiently.
So...May 28th...how much can I lose, realistically?
How Do You Fast? Boyfriend = Fat
When I look at food, I don't see food anymore. I see numbers.
I tried fasting today after my first BP in a couple weeks. Does anyone else have shitty fasting results? I didn't eat all day and my weight didn't budge. Not even .1 of a pound. I ended up getting sick, probably an electrolyte imbalance from throwing up then not eating anything. I guess I just can't fast. It doesn't work for me. Does anyone else get zero results from fasting?
...my boyfriend is making me fat. I feel comfortable and beautiful around him so I don't feel I need to restrict and exercise like crazy to be MY version of perfect for him. He makes me feel beautiful just as I am. What a jerk. How DARE he make me fat. We went to Culver's and I got a root beer float. He got a bacon cheese burger, float, and fries AND cheese curds. He's 6'2" (188 cm) and 140 lbs (63.5 kg). His BMI is 18.0. He is underweight. He sat there and got me to eat his fries and cheese curds. With ketchup and mayo (fucking frysauce) and ranch. Full fat ranch. I TOOK his burger and ate some of it. Bacon cheese burger. He laughed at me. I told him that now I feel fat. He got all serious and looked me dead in the eye and said "Well I'm glad I can get you to eat at least some of the time. I'm glad to see you eat. You need to eat." And I'm like...YOU SERIOUS?! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO EAT!!! YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND I AM A 21.8 BMI WALRUS WHALE MOOSE!! AND YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!! Ughh....angry. But...I feel bad because he's so sweet to me.
And well...TMI moment but I've always dealt with self image issues. I used to cut, drink, do drugs, and have a lot of casual sex. A LOT. That's just how I dealt with things. Sex means I'm pretty, right? (Or easy. Whatever) But I always said it means I'm pretty. I was always aggressive, assertive, the dominate one. Yet very obedient. Sexually. But with this boy...when we get sexual (haven't had sex, like intercourse yet, and yeah..pretty early in our relationship been a week and a half but in my defense we've been friends for six years and sorta...skipped the dating, courting, get-to-know-you phase) it's...different. Afterwards like after he makes me...climax...I get super...shy? Like...I blush and I just HAVE to cover my face because he's smiling at me and telling me how cute I am when I...erm...yeah and I get all girly and awkward and shy... I think I really like this kid...
That and he's totally thinspo.. so tall and thin. I can see his hip bones through his clothes and his legs are so long and lean, no chance of them EVER touching. I grab his stomach and there is NOTHING. I can barely grab skin, it's pulled so tight and smooth over his chest and stomach, his abdominal muscles show through it perfectly without being ripped or bulky. It's smooth and toned and thin. All of him is smooth and toned and slim and thin. He eats every two days. Works out a lot. Ugh....so thinspo. How can someone so thin and beautiful and perfect want to be with a thick, fat, pudgy, round, flabby, troll like me? I'd hate to think I'm some sort of charity project...
I tried fasting today after my first BP in a couple weeks. Does anyone else have shitty fasting results? I didn't eat all day and my weight didn't budge. Not even .1 of a pound. I ended up getting sick, probably an electrolyte imbalance from throwing up then not eating anything. I guess I just can't fast. It doesn't work for me. Does anyone else get zero results from fasting?
...my boyfriend is making me fat. I feel comfortable and beautiful around him so I don't feel I need to restrict and exercise like crazy to be MY version of perfect for him. He makes me feel beautiful just as I am. What a jerk. How DARE he make me fat. We went to Culver's and I got a root beer float. He got a bacon cheese burger, float, and fries AND cheese curds. He's 6'2" (188 cm) and 140 lbs (63.5 kg). His BMI is 18.0. He is underweight. He sat there and got me to eat his fries and cheese curds. With ketchup and mayo (fucking frysauce) and ranch. Full fat ranch. I TOOK his burger and ate some of it. Bacon cheese burger. He laughed at me. I told him that now I feel fat. He got all serious and looked me dead in the eye and said "Well I'm glad I can get you to eat at least some of the time. I'm glad to see you eat. You need to eat." And I'm like...YOU SERIOUS?! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO EAT!!! YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT AND I AM A 21.8 BMI WALRUS WHALE MOOSE!! AND YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!! Ughh....angry. But...I feel bad because he's so sweet to me.
And well...TMI moment but I've always dealt with self image issues. I used to cut, drink, do drugs, and have a lot of casual sex. A LOT. That's just how I dealt with things. Sex means I'm pretty, right? (Or easy. Whatever) But I always said it means I'm pretty. I was always aggressive, assertive, the dominate one. Yet very obedient. Sexually. But with this boy...when we get sexual (haven't had sex, like intercourse yet, and yeah..pretty early in our relationship been a week and a half but in my defense we've been friends for six years and sorta...skipped the dating, courting, get-to-know-you phase) it's...different. Afterwards like after he makes me...climax...I get super...shy? Like...I blush and I just HAVE to cover my face because he's smiling at me and telling me how cute I am when I...erm...yeah and I get all girly and awkward and shy... I think I really like this kid...
That and he's totally thinspo.. so tall and thin. I can see his hip bones through his clothes and his legs are so long and lean, no chance of them EVER touching. I grab his stomach and there is NOTHING. I can barely grab skin, it's pulled so tight and smooth over his chest and stomach, his abdominal muscles show through it perfectly without being ripped or bulky. It's smooth and toned and thin. All of him is smooth and toned and slim and thin. He eats every two days. Works out a lot. Ugh....so thinspo. How can someone so thin and beautiful and perfect want to be with a thick, fat, pudgy, round, flabby, troll like me? I'd hate to think I'm some sort of charity project...
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