Nothing

I'm so full of it. Nothing. I'm numb. My boyfriend hasn't spoken to me for weeks. I'm fat. I just don't know. Starving sounds hard but I'm trying to eat some cereal and it is even harder. Food in my mouth feels awful. Like something dirty and vulgar. But I'm so hungry. But I'm so fat. I don't know what to do. I don't.

Joining

Well it's official. I joined Ana/Mia.

I hope it goes well.
<3

What freak LIKES to purge?

Me?

I purged for the first time in months. (A whole pizza....) And I feel amazing. My stomach hurts and my ribs hurt. Breathing hurts. I have red speckles all over my face from broken blood vessels. But it was awesome. I was scared, I remember how hard it was to start months ago. I didn't want that fear and how long and difficult it was. But...it wasn't. It was like riding a bike. It all just fell out, like my body remembered that it was supposed to reject food like a bill in a vending machine, it was just waiting for me to give the signal. The next morning, my throat hurts, chest hurts, and my stomach kills. I forget how hard it is on the abs. But....stomach kills. I don't even want to eat with a tummy ache, making the rest of my days easier.

Does anyone else get that? After a big middle of the night purge you just feel...satisfied? Don't need to eat the next day?

Starting over- Going to need help. Tips?

I'm at 125.2. Because I'm fat. Because I let go for a few months and smoke too much weed. But I'm back. And I'm serious. I'm going to start updating my weekly calendar weigh ins. Every Friday morning. Picture diary will come back. I'm going to need help restricting again. Maybe get a red bracelet to remind me what I'm doing and who I am.

Be cause this is me now. I thought I was done after my little run. I left because I didn't care anymore and felt like a poser wannarexic that wasted your time.

But I'm not. I let it loose and now nothing can get it back inside me. Even if I think I'm okay for months, I'm not. The thoughts never left. And I loved the control I had. Nothing could stop me. People were jealous of my dedication. I could diet, I could work out for hours, and I was losing weight. They were not. But they're not like us. They aren't strong like us. And I'm going to give them something to really envy.

It'll be hard, but I'm trying to ease into restricting. But maybe hitting hard will shock me into sudden loss. That'd be awesome.

A fourth of an apple for brek so far, don't know about the rest of the day.

Any tips for getting me back to restricting? How often to eat to keep up my metabolism? I used to know these things...

Sick

In more than one way.

I have this cod/flu that is probably killing me. The worst part is I love it and I can purge whenever I feel like without hiding because it will just be pegged as me having this virus.

As I was sitting there, legs hugging the toilet full of the cereal I had for breakfast, my hand covered in saliva, eyes watering, throat burning and twitching, I was thinking, "Damn, I'm sick." Not because I have a virus, not even because I am using that to purge, and not even because I AM purging, but because at the same time I was also thinking,

"Damn...I missed this."

I'm Back

I fell off for a while there, I didn't care. But after watching Girl With The Dragon Tattoo I am back on. Rooney Mara. Five foot three and non existent. I can do it too. I'm back.

Condition My Mind?

    Can I condition my own mind? Like a Pavlovian type of conditioning? Have cravings? Drink tea. Hungry? Drink tea. Want cookies? Drink tea. Stomach growling? Drink tea. Lost a pound? Drink tea.

Is it possible to replace my cravings and hunger, via conditioning, with green tea? So when I crave or get hunger, I want tea? Make tea a reward? I know you can knowingly condition yourself, making it a little mind fuck-y, but I really want to do it.

Really.